The wrestling

I have come to a place in my daily reading where the Lord has me once again tapping the brakes and saying, “Slow down. Stay here. I have something to say.”

So many times I cherish these moments. These soft words. This time, I know I need it because one of the passages is Jacob wrestling with God (Gen. 32:22ff), and I have reached another place in my journey where I feel the exhaustion described in Jacob’s life at this point.

Over time when I’ve studied Genesis (and other Old Testaments characters) I have wanted to walk with God through the struggles like Abraham. He is a perfectly imperfect example for me. Truth be told, though, I am Jacob. I am still Jacob. Right there at that stream. Alone. Full of anxiety and frustration. Wrestling out my frustrations with God.

Exhausted.

I want to be like Abraham. I am Jacob.

This has been my life. Struggling with God over what he has for me, over how he sees my life and how I want my life to be. But I also see that God is wrestling with me. He is staying with me in my stubbornness. He is struggling with my struggle to show he hasn’t yet given up on me. He is getting me to learn I don’t have to be Jacob. There is more. So much more.

So, here I sit. Here I struggle. Again.

Needing to face my struggle. Needing God to change my name. Needing to have God work me over so I have a spiritual limp that makes me lean on him all the rest of my life.

Change my name.

Let my life lean on the goodness of God. Let me walk with a limp that shows God has struggled with me… and I now cherish the limp he gave me.