I have a daily calendar with great Dave Barry quotes. This one on football:

1. A large player called the center squats over the ball, and then the quarterback touches him in a way that could get them both executed in the Middle East.

2. All the players run into each other and fall down.

3. Certain players leap to their feet and perform celebratory dances, while referees add to the festivity by hurling brightly colored flags into the air.