“Many poets are not poets for the same reason that many religious men are not saints: they never succeed in being themselves. They never get around to being the particular poet or the particular monk they are intended to be by God. They never become the man the or the artist who is called for by all the circumstances of their individual lives.” — Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

When I began this endeavor with writing about the affections of Christ, it was out of my own laziness. It was just before Lent and I was wanting to read yet another spiritual classic from someone else about their experiences with the affections of Christ. I was searching and the Lord finally spoke to me: “Write it yourself.”

I wanted other holy people to show me the way to the affections of Christ (yet again, after decades of reading and writing and journaling). I’ve wanted someone else’s spirituality when the call from the Lord was to be the one walking that way all along. It’s not that I couldn’t learn from others. But, all I was doing was learning from others!

The walk I’ve had these last few weeks is still uneven. I still want the spirituality of others. While I’ve had moments of awareness I am still breaking old habits of wanting to pull out a familiar book and read it yet again.

I haven’t succeeded at being myself.

So, this journey continues. The affections of Christ is my journey to rise to the call. I am not to take on someone else’s spirituality. I am not Merton or Francis or Benedict or Willard.

Merton guides me a bit in New Seeds of Contemplation, but this current chapter is wringing me out.

I am in a hurry, so I am allowing my laziness to substitute other spirituality for my own. I have not succeeded in being myself. A lot has formed, but there is much more to grasp. In this journey I find the affections of Christ because he is constantly calling me to this! It is his love that calls me to be genuine in my pursuit. Set aside the laziness and find the treasure in the field!